āA flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it, it just blooms.ā
~ Zen Shin
You ever get the feeling that youāll never be good enough? That no matter how much you write and how well you think you know the craft there will always be someone way ahead of the curve. Sometimes, I find myself in that same position. I look at people who have less experience or have no idea about what theyāre doing, whether itās a job or a particular skill set, they all seem to get more opportunities. They get multiple chances to try again or several times they fail upwards to a supervisor or management lead.
Some days you bust your butt getting an assignment or a project completed in the nick of time while others just breeze through it and still get that promotion. You work so hard at something to the point that youāre physically exhausted and yet you still canāt catch a break.
Iāve been through it all. Iāve always been known as a hard worker, but can never seem to manage to move ahead in my career or even in my field of hobbies. Writing has given me the opportunity to express myself in a healthy way; however, despite self-publishing and trying to finish my goals by editing more books/projects, I havenāt gotten that one chance to really obtain any kind of success.
Well, what would success really look like? Fame? Fortune? A best-selling book in the New York Times? Most authors would love that. I think we all do when it comes down to our works āour babiesā as one would say.
I see writers post a witty remark, a poem, or a basic sentence and they suddenly get over 100 likes and replies. Iāve seen it all. While I wonder what was so great about describing a pepperoni pizza that anyone under nine could probably do. A sense of jealousy overflows and I cringe at the thought that theyāre only doing this for their fanbase.
Whatās a fanbase? I wish I knew. Never had one before, so I couldnāt tell you. I did remember a quote once stating, āItās better to write for yourself than for an audience and not know who you really are.ā Who said that? I donāt know that either.
I write for myself all the time and get no feedback from no one. I guess itās a quiet and simple life for me. No hassles. No trolls so far. Just posting journals, chapters, short stories that nobody really reads nor cares about. Despite a few likes here and there, including some random comments I suppose building an audience is why Iām here.
Donāt know if in the long run itāll work out. I did blogging for years and still havenāt gotten much out of it. Seems like a waste of time, you say? I donāt know, and yet I continue writing. Now, I have some new tech such as a Supernote and I love writing my thoughts on it everyday.
Maybe this journal will go into the pile of stupid, random thoughts we writers often go through. The feeling of never being good enough in the eyes of anyone, not good enough for the public viewing. I donāt think Iām making much sense, but you may get the drift of what many writers/authors, including artists go through on a daily basis.
I donāt know if I really want my art and works to be judged in the publicās eye. My words are often quite offensive, but then again, I donāt actually care what people think. A lot of people donāt think Iām intelligent anyway and maybe theyāre right. The only thing I can do is pull together some words and maybe a sentence or two, maybe a paragraph and VoilĆ”!
Probably the most I can do on such short notice by the way. >:3 Anyway, if you were wondering why I decided to write today of all days, I was feeling a little blue and noticed that the world is unfair. Weāre not all going to be best-selling authors and sell a million copies. Iāve come to terms with that.
I sometimes think that my fate will be along the lines of Edgar Allan Poe. That poor man didnāt get a single break, until he literally kicked the bucket. If you know what Iām saying. Rest in peace, my dear friend. Unlike Poe, nobody will remember me once Iām in the Great Beyond.
Unknown to the world until I finally die. Thatās it. Iād like to freely post every last one of my stories on here for everyone to see, but there are too many dark forces at play and the thought of anyone stealing my precious ideas has always haunted me till no end. Too many horror stories about writers stealing each others ideas. One writer unknown to the world (writes for 20 years plus) while another newer writer (with less experience) uses the same ideas of the older, unknown writer and suddenly their bookās an instant success!
Donāt believe me, look up the ShadowHunters vs. the Dark-Hunters (2016). Or course, the only difference is theyāre both best-selling authors. Which may be a bit of a problem. Did they ever settle out of court? I donāt have the faintest idea. I havenāt been keeping up with current events and stopped blogging years ago. Please forgive me, Iām very rusty at thisā¦seeing as I have no intentions on becoming famous.
So for the next couple of years, Iāll continue being mysterious in my own weird way and take my time writing/polishing my unloved tales, until the final day of publication. At least I donāt have to go through the middle man (the traditional path). I donāt have to worry about disappointing an audience that was never truly there. I donāt have to fear that some crazy fanatic is going to hunt me down and stalk me to find out whatās going to happen next after the series ends.
Iām kind of glad that I got a chance to write and share. As writers we have a lot of baggage and I hate to ramble, because Iām reaching a point where some of you mightāve already tuned out by now. We have such short attention spans, donāt we? Too many distractions in our lives and just all around us in general. It makes it difficult to find a quiet spot to sit down and focus for once. Maybe itās my insecurities trying to stop me from progressing any further.
Iāve decided to stop comparing myself to other writers/authors, because quite frankly it hasnāt done me any favors. Iāll keep on writing and keep on trucking on ahead, despite the fact that I may never reach that level of success. At least they canāt stay that I didnāt try; I made every attempt and effort to do the best that I could do.
Sure, Iām still learning like everyone else. I get the feeling that Iām not alone in this field. It would be nice to share my stories to others who feel the same wayā¦or maybe not. Theyāve been there and done that. As Iām getting older, my biggest fear is not finishing what I started. Itās hard to get back in the habit of writing again after losing so much. I lost a lotā¦ itās too complicated to discuss.
Iām slowly getting a little better. Iām not struggling as much, but sometimes life kicks you in the gut, knocking the wind completely out of you. You fall down and itās like you canāt even breath. Iāve been blessed that my stumble didnāt break more than that. With a little luck, who knowsā¦ maybe things will turn around. I canāt predict the future and I donāt think anyone here can really tell me what the next few years will bring. I want to end on a positive note, even though I know there are writers, who are financially struggling way more than me. I found a career that pays more than my hobby, so I canāt complain.
The only advice I can give anyone is to never give up on your dreams. Someday things will get betterā¦or not, they may end up worse. You never know. But whatever hardships youāre going through, youāll never really be alone. I think writers/artists who go through hard times and survive become stronger on the other side. Maybe that huge obstacle or that feeling of depression made you wiserā¦somehow youāre still here. That conflict you were going through internally that felt like a raging battle of two opposing forces gave you the knowledge to move on and journey to the next challenge.
We certainly donāt live forever, so what little time you have nowāyou better use it! I think comparing ourselves to others is only natural. We feel as though we shouldāve gotten that award, that sign of recognition, but I donāt think people realize that we may not be fully ready to accept it. Itās good to win achievements, donāt get me wrong. A little prize money is well worth it.
However, I think most writers/authors fail to discern isā¦ that pride could be our biggest downfall. Nothing wrong to feel a tiny bit of pride, but it is a deadly sin. You wrote that best-selling book and itās now the #1 movie of all time! I get it. But maybe sometimes humility, coping with failure, and learning to move onward past difficulties and oneās mistakes could be the better outcome for us to grow in. To have that maturity and wisdom, so we can finally write and finish our next project.
So, stop comparing yourself to other writers, artists, musicians, and what not. Because in the end, none of it really matters. What matters is how you spend your time and what you do with it. Were you productive today? Did you go out and spend time with your loved ones? Did you take a walk in the park, go to the library, or go to the beach?
Did you use it wisely? Did you learn a new skill? Did you try dancing? Did you make a difference in world today? Did you enjoy the little things in life? Did you say something nice to a stranger or give encouragement to anyone, who may be having a hard time?
Just my thoughts.
Donāt forget to visit my main website The Nightmare Never Ends and Donāt Sleep Journal.
